


A Mad Man Goes Crazy

by MadasaMoriarty



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I suck at tags, Rose Tyler Mentions, Sort of Drunk Doctor, Tardis Nanny Sort Of, The Doctor Is In Trouble, poor rory, slight BAMF Pond Girls?, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:33:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2111781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadasaMoriarty/pseuds/MadasaMoriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor is acting strange. Strang-ER. Desperate for help Amy and Rory call on the aid of River Song to try and figure out what's wrong. Amy and River begin to fear for the Doctor's sanity. And Rory's too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Mad Man Goes Crazy

"Doctor?" Amy pushed the door of the wardrobe open, hurried scuffling coming from behind one of the racks. "Doctor?" Amy hurried around the barrier of clothes eyebrows rising slowly, and stared blankly at the sight before her.  
The Doctor was sitting cross legged on the floor, his tweed jacket missing from his shoulders, sleeves rolled up, bow ties of varying descriptions encircling the length of his forearms, an additional two or three added to the one at his neck. And his cheeks were bulging.  
He beamed when he saw her, something floppy and wet falling from his mouth.  
"Ae'me!" He gulped quickly as drool came spilling over his lips.  
"Okay Doctor, what are you doing?" she sighed in resignation. The Doctor ignored her, frowning in concentration as he attempted to shove what Amy assumed was another in a long line of bow ties into his mouth. "Oi! Stop that!" She snatched it from him quickly and he leaped to his feet quickly, staring grumpily at her hands, the rest of the bow ties falling from his mouth in a wash of spittle and ruined silk. It was only then that she noticed his eyes, they were glassy and bright, the manic energy so often present in his face, tripled ten-fold in his eyes.  
"Oi! Those are mine!" he complained loudly, jabbing a finger at the bows.  
"Doc-tor." Amy said slowly and his eyes snapped to her face.  
"Pond! Duck Pond, ha!" He laughed. "We should go swimming. Or possibly get some ducks... I like ducks, what do you think?" without waiting for an answer he bounded from the room. "Rose! Rose?" He did a quick spin. "How do you feel about ducks? With bow ties! Yes, how do you feel about bow ties with ducks on them?" Amy followed him into the console room, watching carefully as he scanned it with bright eyes. "Hello...Who's been colouring my Tardis then? Where's the leopard print?"  
"Um, Amy..."Rory walked up to her, watching the Doctor carefully. "Whats happened to the Doctor?"  
"I don't know! I found him like this, he was in the wardrobe eating bow ties! And now he's going on about a Rose and ducks." they watched him together for a moment.  
"He's gone mad." Rory said at last. "Actually, and totally bonking mad." He looked at Amy. "What are we gonna do? He's gone looney." Rory kept his voice low.  
"Shut up. No he hasn't. He's just..." She stared at the Doctor for a moment watching as he threaded his braces through the railing and then attempted to walk away, becoming thoroughly confused when the control room failed to follow him. "Okay he's completely off it. What do we do?"  
"How should I know?" Rory demanded still in a hush.  
"You're the nurse!" Amy snapped.  
Rory made an offended noise and thrust out his hands defensively. Amy rolled her eyes and glared at him, clearly demanding him to think.  
"Oh, hello." They both started guiltily as the Doctor walked up, looking at Rory with an amused smile, his braces hanging off his pants. "Who's a good little dog then?" the Doctor asked, reaching out to pat Rory fondly on the head. Rory shot Amy a pained look and Amy bit back a giggle. "I think I have a ball here somewhere..." the Doctor mumbled, patting himself down.  
"What do I do?" Rory demanded as the Doctor began pulling things from his pockets. Amy swallowed a laugh, breathing uselessly for a few minutes, trying not to offend her husband.  
"Jist...go along with it." She motioned him away and he stared at her incredulously. "I'll...call River just keep him distracted."  
"Distracted. Right." Rory grumbled. "Shouldn't be too hard."  
"Fetch Doggy!" The Doctor waved a red rubber ball in Rory's face briefly before flinging it across the room. Rory stood stiffly as Amy finally broke into laughter beside him, glaring at her darkly. "Well go on!" The Doctor demanded, bopping him on the head, sighing in defeat Rory trudged across the room after it.  
...  
"Hello sweetie." River appeared in a flash of grey smoke, her mouth curled into her signature smirk.  
"Oh thank goodness!" Rory sighed, dropping to his knees. The Doctor, (Who had taken to winding string around Rory's arms) dropped the yarn he was holding and leaped at her with a grin.  
"River!" Her own smile widened in response until he seized her and spun her around quickly. "And your hair!" He began to bat at it like a cat, piling it up on her head and watching it fall back down with a laugh.  
"River! Thank goodness you're here!" Amy ran to stand in front of her daughter, dropping the rope in her hands. "Even the Tardis was getting desperate."  
"What's going on?" River asked in a calm voice as the Doctor continued to giggle behind her.  
"No Idea." Amy threw her hands up in despair. "He was just like this! Went to bed and woke up to him having a bow tie buffet in the wardrobe! Now he thinks Rory is a dog, or a doll, or a rock-"  
"Yeah and wasn't it fun when he tried to BOUNCE me off the console!" Rory interrupted, fighting to get the strings off his hands.  
"And he keeps calling me Ducky," Amy pressed forward ignoring Rory "and yelling for a Rose."  
"Rose?" River began but the Doctor chose that moment to yank at a great fistful of her hair. "Ouch!"  
"Run puppy!" The Doctor scrabbled back, grabbing Rory by the arm and sprinting away down the corridor.  
"So? What's wrong with him?" Amy demanded.  
"I don't know. But I think we should find out."  
...  
"Doctor?" River called sweetly, pushing open the door the Tardis provided for her.  
"Moisturize me! Moisturize me!" The Doctor was bounding up and down on a very square trampoline, laughing at the top of his lungs. He was also missing his shirt. Which was hanging from Rory's mouth.  
"What are you doing?" Amy demanded of her husband, who glared at her pitifully.  
"'E wo'ne leah' 'e poot i' dowm." Rory grumbled past a mouth full of cotton.  
Amy turned to the Doctor with a sigh.  
"Okay, what's with the shirt?"  
He grinned when he saw her, leaping to the ground with a very gangly thunk.  
"Donna! You didn't get eaten! The shirt?" He looked down at his bare chest. "Oh, it tried to eat me. Don't worry, the puppy's taken care of it." Reaching over he gave Rory's head a fond pat. "What are you doing here? Why hasn't your head exploded?"  
"What!" Amy's voice was a squeak, and River cut in quickly.  
"Doctor, we have to go to the med bay now, come on..." She offered him her hand.  
"River! When did you get here? Have you met Donna? Yes you have. NO! of course you haven't. Whoops, shouldn't have said that-Ooh! A biscuit!"  
They all watched in baffled amusement as the Doctor dove to the ground, snatching up a Jammie Dodger and shoving it between his teeth. The Tardis it seemed had taken things into her own metaphorical hands, laying out a long line of Jammie Dodgers that the Doctor followed with relish, the others trailing slowly behind. The trail ended at the med bay, the door closing firmly behind them.  
"On to the table Doctor." River sighed sweetly, waiting as he scrambled up, grinning and swinging his legs. "Hold still." Snatching up a needle she positioned it at his arm, thankful for the bow ties already making the veins bulge out. He watched with utter fascination as the needle quivered in the crook of his arm. It pressed through his skin, drawing up a bead of blood and River fumbled quickly for the plunger. But the Doctor beat her to the punch. Reaching forward he calmly snapped the needle in half a sunny smile breaking out across his face.  
"Got it." He looked around beaming.  
Everyone in the room groaned.  
"Got what?!" Rory growled.  
"The bug." the Doctor answered simply. "Rose?" Rising from the table he wandered out into the hall. "Rose? Be careful the Tardis is full of giant bugs! Also, Donna's head hasn't exploded. That's a good thing all the same I'd be on your guard, something may not be right." He twiddled his thumbs, waiting expectantly. "Rose?" River walked up to him slowly, clasping his hands. "River, have you seen Rose? Little pink and yellow girl? Tongue-y smile? I love her I think...Don't think I've told her yet."  
"Doctor." River peered into his manic eyes. "Rose is...gone. Remember?"  
He stared back at her,frowning in incomprehension. "Rose..." He reached up his hand, pulling a bow tie free of his neck and staring at it like it had betrayed him. His face broke and his shoulder sagged. Some of the light in his eyes dimmed, but none of the deranged energy faded. Taking advantage of his momentary stillness River led him back to the med bay, Rory was waiting with another needle and plunged it quickly into his arm.  
"Ow! OW!" He swatted at Rory's head. "Bad dog! Bad-BAD dog!"  
"There we go." River stepped forward quickly, pressing her lips to his cheek, and swabbing his arm. "Keep him busy." She directed at Rory, taken the blood sample and inputting it into the Tardis. Rory groaned, but the Tardis was looking out for him, and the next thing anyone knew he was playing contentedly with a balloon, bobbing it up and down. It kept his fevered attention for approximately five seconds and then...  
"Come on Puppy!" He darted up taking the balloon with him and careening out of the room. Rory huffed a weary sigh and followed slowly. Amy and River waited for the test results before following.  
They found them both in a pillowed room, feathers falling in clouds from the ceiling. The Doctor was standing on Rory's bent back, swiping up handfuls of feathers.  
"I'm a rock again." Rory complained, red faced.  
"Doctor! Get down from there!" River demanded. He leaped down, wading through the pillows and fluff to stand in front of her.  
"River look!" he laughed. "It's snowing! Really snowing! You'd be surprised by how rare this is!"  
"Yes sweetie." River agreed. "Go play with your puppy."  
"Gah!"Rory glared.  
"So? What's it say?" Amy asked quietly, gesturing at the paper in River's hands.  
"He's been poisoned. By the Strobbleberry."  
"The wha?"  
"Strobbleberry. it's indigenous to Honraw, they use it in times of war. It's very deadly." Noticing Amy's look of alarm she hurried forward. "But not to a time lord. Superior biology. He's metabolizing it right now. Unfortunately this is the result." She gestured at the Doctor who was shoving great handfuls of feathers into Rory's mouth as he tried to complain and laughing loudly.  
"So what do we do?"  
"Nothing we can do. Just wait it out."  
"Eugh!" they glanced over at Rory who was smearing a hand across his glistening cheek. The Doctor vaulted towards them, eyes sparkling, he seized Amy by the shoulders and ran his tongue up her face.  
"Ew!"  
Cackling he turned to River, his intent obvious.  
"Don't you dare!" She held up a scolding finger and he froze, shrugging his shoulders and stalking slowly off.  
"We just wait?" Amy groaned.  
River nodded opening her mouth to speak but before she could the Doctor lurched forward, his wet tongue slurping up her cheek before he ran off cackling like a maniac and screaming about the end of the universe and banana daquires.  
"Oh, I'm gonna kill him." River growled and they all took off in pursuit.

.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

The Doctor jerked awake with a snort blinking blearily, he attempted to stretch. It didn't work. He appeared to be tied to a chair... Swallowing grimly, he looked up slowly. River was glaring down at him, arms folded angrily across her chest.

"Hi honey...I'm home...?" His body reeled as she slapped him forcefully across the face and he blinked away a cluster of stars that looked a lot like the Ood constellation 'dead man'. This didn't seem very reassuring...

"And what sort of time do you call this?" River seethed, gesturing at the room behind her. He took it all in.

The walls appeared to be covered in ketchup and mustard, some of them mindless splatters and some...were those high galifreyan swear words?! Did he even know those? Did they even exist?! There also appeared to be a vast quantity of dog kibble strewn everywhere. One wall seemed to be entirely covered in cabinets... none of them very straight. And behind River, looking decidedly put out were...

The Ponds.

Amy's hair was wet, feathers were falling off her sweater to which they had been haphazardly glued. She had a motorbike helmet in one hand and a bit of toilet paper clung to one ear...Behind her Rory lounged on a couch, looking pale and exhausted. Though his condition might of had something to do with the heavy layer of powder he seemed to be sporting...He had bows clipped to the back of his hair, a glittering scarf slung loosely around his neck, one of Amy's skirts tugged halfway up his jean clad legs. And a leash clipped to his belt loop.

He looked between them, they glared back and River still had violence in her eyes, even the Tardis was thrumming in annoyance. He swallowed again, spreading his hands as much as he could with them tied to his lap.

"Barcelona anyone?"

 

The End!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay... So that's it. Just a fun one shot I wrote a while ago...  
> Would love to know what you think! Not beta'd so all the crummy bits are one hundred percent mine....  
> Well I liked it anyway, lol.   
> Tell me what you think!


End file.
